The Best Line from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Seems Douglas Adams knew it was a dumb idea long before Donald Trump thought it was a good idea.

This is one of the most impressive quotes from a book my generation grew up on:

“It is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

That’s all that needs to be said.

4 Years Later…

This was originally written as a comment to If You Never Hear From Me Again by David Simmer II . But once I got started, it turned into the last short story about our blue insignificant planet.


4 Years Later…

Planet Earth is nearly barren, one very large dust-bowl. The only nuclear warheads not destroyed are half-sticking out of the earth waiting for the button to be pushed.

The sound ‘Trump‘ wafted on the breeze, the last sound made by every human on the planet right before they were all wiped from existence. Weeds retake the cities, one mound of melting tissue at a time.

Volcanic explosions continue to rack much of the planet, bellowing loudly, spewing molten rock down on the concrete, steel and glass junkyards below. Neon signs no longer flicker, all the power-plants have ceased.

In a small town named Salem (about 190 miles from Seattle) in Washington State, one man remained. The quadruple-story bunker built beneath his home for him and his cats somehow is resisting the movement of the earth’s crust as tectonic plates relentlessly drift. He opens yet another can of Spam, but this time he doesn’t let the cats get too close. They are now glowing from their last visit to the surface. Now he realizes what’s happened up top, so he ain’t going up there, no how, no way, no time soon.

The cats suddenly turn their heads to the sky and wail. The man feels something move around him … and a wall splits to his right.

[…]

When interstellar visitors first landed (okay, crashed) in the 1950’s, Earthlings seems smart, but had been avoided for the most part. Well, that isn’t true.

1980's Hand Held Electronic GamesOne teenage Moroff took a wizz in back-alley in Seattle, but somehow left his backpack before both him and his entourage departed. When they returned 12-parsecs (40 light-year) later to locate the backpack, it was 1990 and far too late. Every piece of technology within had been adapted and salvaged in Silicone Valley as ‘new technological advances’:

Literally consequently, the 1950’s gave birth to the following inventions, findings and developments: Diet Soda. Microwave Ovens. Automatic doors. Velcro. The Fender Guitar. Solar Cells. Tetracycline. Polyvinylidene Chloride. Neutrino’s are discovered and anti-Protons detected. Fortran. Modems. Laser. Integrated circuits. Stereophonic recordings. Atomic energy was used to create Electricity! Earth was coming of age.

So the Moroff and his motley crew time-jumped forward to the year 2016, peeped down at us … and left us all alone. For some reason the Moroff wanted to stay away from the White House. Something about knowing the current guy-in-office rather intimately. They weren’t coming back soon.

[…]

The last human had died, and very soon after a dozen cats ate their last meal before returning to the surface.

1000 Years On…

Earth was a good planet. It had so much potential, but it was now gone. Every Atari museum, every archeological dig, every great tshirt was gone. The buildings had finally succumbed and crumbled down to the floors of jungles entwined across the planet.

The mutated livestock had eaten themselves out of existence also. But the bugs were returning. The earth was going full cycle.

The only animal that seemed to survive were feline, ferocious, and running out of food.

5,000 Years On…

Nothing organic remains on the planet. Another ice-age had happened after a nuclear-powered submarine sunk deep below the north-pole. It initially imploded, but the force of air managed to reach the surface … and the cyclonic winds carried the dust down across many green lands, dropping onto unsuspecting whiskered creatures and vines traversing the hills and valleys.

20161112_115141The resulting mutant now survived on bug-lavae, ice-water and corralled bugs. The feline family were growing smarter, developing knees and thumbs out of necessity to find food … but that took a backward step for a while. Returned to a worm like back end, but still a teeth-filled mouth, it wailed louder than the winds as it sought new creatures with which to ‘connect’.

10,000 Years On…

The Moroff-starship dropped to the jungle unexpectedly. Their power-supply had depleted after attempting several times to enter the M-class Planet’s atmosphere. Cyclonic lightning storms filled the upper atmosphere. HoloComD calculations determined a way to use the lightning to keep their power-supply whilst they swung around the storm. The white streaks of electric light arced away from the storm, enabling their ship to direct-line to a specific spot on the planet’s surface successfully.

[…]

Backpack and rifle at hand, the Moroff stepped down into the bog.

“Farg. Still nothing here at all…” he muttered, stopping mid sentence as a tall beautiful feline stepped out from behind a tree and waggled one leg as she leaned hesitantly onto a tree. The Moroff stared transfixed … as another dozen felines stepped out from behind the trees, wielding primitive yet bloodied spears. White-eyed, they moved toward the Moroff, who was now petrified.

1 Parsec Later…

“So, you are the descendants of the infamous David Simmer II??”

“So it appears.”

“Farg. So Old Man Trump, that two-bit celebrity who couldn’t even use email, enabled this??”

“Who?”

“Good point. My great-great-grand… He has been dead for 16,003.26 years. Why the farg would we be still talking about that idiot?”

“Ok, why? …. Now, where is that spam you promised?”


Okay, okay, I took it a bit far. I actually let the story evolve out of nothing. This took me 90 minutes to ‘mutate’ from my fingers (read: to type) it. Hope it gives you a good laugh.

24 Ways to WEAR Coffee!

We all know that coffee and chocolate are important food groups. Either together or seperately, they help us to feel good throughout the day.

Today I have collated twenty four ways you can wear coffee. That’s right, wear it. Okay, they are from my tshirt gallery.

Below are many designs I have created over the last few years. Each of them has coffee on them in some way. Expect more. Enjoy them all!

Love + Coffee + Wine = Parenthood T-Shirt  Powered on Coffee & Wine (CLR) T-Shirt  Powered on Coffee & Wine (Black) T-Shirt

Coffee + Morning = Function T-Shirt  GENUINE COFFEE T-Shirt  Coffee is a Food Group T-Shirt

Choco' & Cookie Please! T-Shirt  Energy = Milk + Coffee T-Shirt  My Blood Type is Coffee+ T-Shirt

Coffee Job T-Shirt  11th Commandment T-Shirt  Caffeine is a Food Group! T-Shirt

Apocalypticoffee T-Shirt  Coffee Is Slimming T-Shirt  Everybody should Believe... T-Shirt

Everyone Deserves a Second... T-Shirt  Anything is Possible T-Shirt  Coffee Loading T-Shirt

Drinking Coffee Under the Table T-Shirt  COFFEECUPLOADING T-Shirt  Can't Stop Eating Chocolate T-Shirt

Save the Chocolate T-Shirt  Most Important Meal Every Day! T-Shirt  Coffee Sip happens T-Shirt

Liked them? Buy them easily and quickly via Redbubble and have them delivered anywhere around the world. Xmas is only a few sleeps away!

Where The Streets Have No Name – U2

Whenever this song comes on the radio, I crank it up to 20. Pity they never play anymore than 3 minutes of it. It is over 7 minutes of amazing U2 music that I grew up listening to constantly. Last.Fm

Never Give Up

Dig Yourself Out The title is not misleading, it’s a serious moral to this story.

At about 8am this morning I flicked on the radio – right as they were doing a 10 question competition.

Simply put, the caller was told to provide the correct answer to questions about Australia to win a small cash prize.

Of the ten questions, she amazingly said ‘Pass‘ to SEVEN of them! SEVEN!

I was answering them also. On those few I didn’t know, I took a guess. Can you guess why I guessed? (Oh, that is a leading question!)

When you pay nothing to be a contender and the reward is minuscule, guessing is not going to matter. If anything, your first guess is based on intuition. Sometimes the right answer is sitting in the back of your mind – and you don’t even know it – so take a guess!

  • Every time my four year old boy guesses where he hid something, he is right. Now that might be a bad example – he usually knows exactly where he hid something. .
  • Every time your co-worker, boss, or friend says “I guess we could do this…” or “I guess we could eat there….”
    — Tell them to stop. Teach them say “I am going to…” or “I have gone through all the options and now I am going to…” or, better yet, “Let’s discuss this.”.

Knee Brace for my Dislocated Knee Never give up because you might be wrong, nor give half-hearted answers because you are unsure, and never say ‘Pass’ because you may not know – take a guess, but don’t admit it. It won’t kill you to be wrong occasionally. Unless you are tax-accountant.

Oh, I can already hear one of my twitter or my Facebook followers saying “In <this situation>, guessing would be very wrong!” Please leave a comment below or on social media explaining why. The lines are open to discussion.

Cheers, Have a good Wednesday!

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My Favorite 17 Online Tools

I am a list maker. It’s a byproduct of working in state government for twenty years. So my browser bookmarks are regularly scrutinized, alphabetized and regularly saved for backups. This has proved beneficial: I once misplaced a website that I eventually realised I was spelling it wrong.

Today I am listing and highlighting (thus explaining the photograph attached) the most important websites in my bookmarks. Each of these sites help me to write posts easily, edit graphic coloring easily, and dare-I-say-it code websites easily. Yep, I am a geek at heart.
Jetty Light

If any of these look helpful to you, feel free to bookmark, leave a comment, like the page, and come back for more posts like this every few months when I do my regular backups. Cheers!

Leave Well Enough Alone

​This morning I posted a story on Facebook that I found buried on a friend’s timeline. I found it funny enough to republish on my timeline.

Cattle Guards

For those of you who have never traveled to the US South West, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado.

The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that “before any ‘cattle’ guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.”

“Times are hard,” said Joe Biden, “it’s only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining!”

Like most stories posted to the internet, someone checked on snopes.com to determine if it true or not. Turns out it is fake!

Actually, I have a word to say about snopes: They take their unofficial job way too seriously. 
Many stories were written, I presume, purely as humor, as anecdote to tell at a large gathering to break the ice or to amuse the dignatories. 

No doubt people retold them, each time changing details to suit their audience.
Not all stories are written based on truth.

I sometimes wish they could leave amusing anecdotes alone, as legends, and as humor worth repeating.

Some jokes should remain jokes, and not become a snopes investigation.

What are your thoughts?