Ten Things NOT to say at the Xmas Lunch

Inside St Peters Cathedral, Adelaide

It’s that time of the year again, where we all go to lunch with work colleagues to celebrate surviving another year in the same work environment together.

This often involves congregating in a place of culinary worship whereupon knives and forks are vigorously applied to half-cooked meals. Bottomless pits of rabbit food are picked through to locate the vegetables that managed to not get drowned in cooking oil. But worst of all, we might have to endure sitting on a table loaded with big-wigs, fat-cats, and managers.

The astute employee can use this location to his/her advantage, wielding a higher relationship that enables them to win the better working conditions which, of course have less actual work, less hours, yet somehow less tax on their earnings.

The not-so-astute worker somehow finds themselves trapped within a pack of hyenas that are only too willing to tear shreds of dignity from their idiot-to-sit-here-prey.

I have compiled a list of such sentences or situations that one should avoid in the event of having no choice but to sit on the table of self-pronounced kings of the office.

“It only takes one beer for me to burp the alphabet.”

I doubt anyone would say it. But after a pint or two, who knows?

“One beer and I’ll tell you the company gossip.”

It is truly amazing what comes out of the minds of some people.

“I’ve met Dame Edna Everage.”

Even if it is true – because you know they still won’t believe you.

“I’m going to have a two-hour lunch break and write it up as one.” or “I’m staying here until you leave.”

Because this could be somewhere two and three hours. Can you afford to lose this much flexi-time or money?

Never agree with everything the boss says.

At some point he will cotton on, then give you sentences which involve you volunteering for over-time, extra work, or worse, baby-sitting his pet dog while he travels interstate for a golf, oops I mean an important meeting.

Never mention the four cats named Fluff, Paws, Trouble and Mischief.

Ever.

Tell anyone how to decrease internet usage at work, whilst increasing the number of sites visited.

First, they don’t believe you. Then they monitor your usage. Then they fail to understand how it is that you say you went to a hundred websites during your lunch break – yet your records only show one.

Attempt to explain the difference between one hour of perusing a hundred text-based sites and one hour of .SWF/Flash games.

Because all they see are dollar signs, not download amounts. Somehow they cannot see the correlation.

Never, and I mean NEVER, explain how the company site is mishandled or mismanaged.

Nor that is a complete mess because too many people are allowed to edit it. Because they will want to know how YOU know. Ok, so you might get a new job out of it. Don’t be shocked if it NOT with the same office/business/department.

Never repeat the same story over and over.

No matter how many times your boss doesn’t respond nor laugh, you can be sure he heard you. Boss’s only laugh when THEY are funny.

Is ten enough? No. I thought of more throughout the afternoon.

Don’t try to out-do their scar-stories.

Even if you did fly over the handle-bars whereupon you broke both arms – do you really want your boss to know about your possible workers-compensations stories? Not a good idea.

Never admit to being fire-trucking bored with your job

Not even that you are unchallenged with the tasks, and willing to take a job as a HAZCHEM worker just to get a bit of variety in your work-diet. You might not realise your luck…

There you have it, my list of situations to avoid during the Xmas lunch. Got any more?

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