The Correct Way to Roll the Toilet Paper

This, so far, has been my favourite vlog creation. 

I actually planned a timeline showing each of the sections of footage needed to be filmed, plus constructed story boards showing how each would overlay. Doing this helped immensely, and ensured I was able to construct the video in less than two hours, allowing for reshoots (which I didn’t need). 

The intro was a last minute idea of which the soundbyte (3,2,1,etc) is now used in a few newer clips.
Watchit, have a giggle, and leave a comment wherever you see.

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The Answer to the Penultimate Question! 

Being a parent has taught me some amazing life lessons, one of which contradicts what I have always believed.

So I am producing a informative tongue-in-cheek video that will reveal my answer to the most important question of all time. 

What is the question? Aha, no! That too will be revealed! To see the video late next week, subscribe to my channel: 

https://www.youtube.com/user/stephentrepreneur
If it doesn’t make you laugh, it will make you groan!

Casey Neistat is Right!

My CanonEOS400D and Gear, B&W I had stuffed a lot of gear into my many camera bags before my family relocated to Kangaroo Island just a few months ago.

Today I finally went through it all – and found a lot of accessories, cables, and a multitude of seemingly important yet almost unnecessary cra.. stuff, some of which has been missing for months!

I now totally understand why Casey Neistat keeps all his gear systematically organised and on display. It actually makes a lot of sense.

Because among all my stuff I found the following items:

  • SuperSlim USB Keyboard.
    Promptly disposed of after testing a few times. Internal mechanisms no longer connect with keypads. Bought on eBay a loooong time ago, so no loss.
  • Canon Sunhood – EW83E.
    I don’t have lens for this. Would like it, but would sell the sunhood for right price.
  • Two of my old film cameras – [Vivitar PS88] [Canon EOS500].
    I know why I packed them, but they are going back to Adelaide now – to be donated to my friend Vicki Kramer’s new shop in Blackwood – FotoSwift. (Technically it’s not new, but she bought the place recently and now manages it. How cool is that? tl;dr: Vicki wants old cameras for displaying in the shop. I said I may have a few.
  • One very old German AGFA ISOLETTE camera. [See photo series on instagram]
    Not being donated.
  • Assorted oddities:
    • Spud gun.
      Was received as a Kris Kringle one year at work. Useless unless someone else also has one, and prepared to fight till vegetables do we part!
    • Hand cuffs.
      I can’t remember where and when, I have had them a very long time.
    • A couple of Oscar statues. To be on display when I record vlogs at home.
    • 4 Point USB Hub + cable.
      Trust me, this is useful. This and a mouse are must-have’s in my day bag!
    • Lexar USB 3.0 Dual Slot Card Reader – Model LRW300U.
      Hopefully I still have the cable for it!
    • Fold up metal pliers.
      The last pair I owned were thrown into a bin at Adelaide Airport Security. Lesson learned!
  • A camera to laptop cable.
    It enables photographers to see their images on their laptop rather than the back of the camera, thus ensuring the art is focused or as required – thus limiting computer time later. Thanks Peter Coullson for suggesting this purchase during a seminar a few years back!
  • 2 x 1TB hard-drives.
    One now holds backup of all my vlogs to date since 2008! The other proved non-openable. Not happy.
  • Hahnel Giga T Pro Wireless Remote Control. It is what it suggests.
  • Horizontal thingmimob.
    Basically, it enables both a flash-gun and camera-body to attach along it, sitting left/right of each other. Great for event photography where easy handling is required. But I am using it to lessen the weight load on my arm of my vlog-rig. I will show usage in an upcoming TOG-vlog! Photo of rig appears below.

Plus the one thing I had actually been looking for the entire time:

  • An Allan-key for the Micro ThumbsUP on my EOSM.
    Yet, after inspection and much forehead smacking, I have now determined the ThumbsUp can stay attached now that I have the ‘Horizontal thingimob’.

The 75-300mm f4-5.6 EF III on my new Canon EOS M With the RØDE N3594 microphone (also temporarily misplaced in the big to Kangaroo Island) firmly attached onto my Canon EOSMi, I now have rig that keeps everything much more secure and easy to handle – and easy to edit with minimal to nil wind across the microphone. #HighFive!

Yes, this whole article was basically about the hell of dealing with wind-noise whilst vlogging – and how I remedied it! Here is my amended updated vlogging-rig!

Casey, your office is cluttered, but most of it makes perfect sense to me!

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Printing for More Than Art’s Sake

This story amuses me every time I read it: MissyMwac’s family and friends were gobsmacked when she printed all her phone photosthe concept was completely foreign to them!

Yes, it is satire. Heavy satire.

Yet it is a reminder that very little photography of my children, my nephew’s and niece’s birthdays, nor my family moments, is available to view outside of my archives.

Art is very important, yet printing photography of family & friends enjoying life is the best preservation of history.

That said:

With any available finances, I plan to print and frame more of my Kangaroo Island artwork in 2017.

I’m already planning a selection for exhibition either in Adelaide or on Kangaroo Island (or maybe both) during SALA 2017.

4 Years Later…

This was originally written as a comment to If You Never Hear From Me Again by David Simmer II . But once I got started, it turned into the last short story about our blue insignificant planet.


4 Years Later…

Planet Earth is nearly barren, one very large dust-bowl. The only nuclear warheads not destroyed are half-sticking out of the earth waiting for the button to be pushed.

The sound ‘Trump‘ wafted on the breeze, the last sound made by every human on the planet right before they were all wiped from existence. Weeds retake the cities, one mound of melting tissue at a time.

Volcanic explosions continue to rack much of the planet, bellowing loudly, spewing molten rock down on the concrete, steel and glass junkyards below. Neon signs no longer flicker, all the power-plants have ceased.

In a small town named Salem (about 190 miles from Seattle) in Washington State, one man remained. The quadruple-story bunker built beneath his home for him and his cats somehow is resisting the movement of the earth’s crust as tectonic plates relentlessly drift. He opens yet another can of Spam, but this time he doesn’t let the cats get too close. They are now glowing from their last visit to the surface. Now he realizes what’s happened up top, so he ain’t going up there, no how, no way, no time soon.

The cats suddenly turn their heads to the sky and wail. The man feels something move around him … and a wall splits to his right.

[…]

When interstellar visitors first landed (okay, crashed) in the 1950’s, Earthlings seems smart, but had been avoided for the most part. Well, that isn’t true.

1980's Hand Held Electronic GamesOne teenage Moroff took a wizz in back-alley in Seattle, but somehow left his backpack before both him and his entourage departed. When they returned 12-parsecs (40 light-year) later to locate the backpack, it was 1990 and far too late. Every piece of technology within had been adapted and salvaged in Silicone Valley as ‘new technological advances’:

Literally consequently, the 1950’s gave birth to the following inventions, findings and developments: Diet Soda. Microwave Ovens. Automatic doors. Velcro. The Fender Guitar. Solar Cells. Tetracycline. Polyvinylidene Chloride. Neutrino’s are discovered and anti-Protons detected. Fortran. Modems. Laser. Integrated circuits. Stereophonic recordings. Atomic energy was used to create Electricity! Earth was coming of age.

So the Moroff and his motley crew time-jumped forward to the year 2016, peeped down at us … and left us all alone. For some reason the Moroff wanted to stay away from the White House. Something about knowing the current guy-in-office rather intimately. They weren’t coming back soon.

[…]

The last human had died, and very soon after a dozen cats ate their last meal before returning to the surface.

1000 Years On…

Earth was a good planet. It had so much potential, but it was now gone. Every Atari museum, every archeological dig, every great tshirt was gone. The buildings had finally succumbed and crumbled down to the floors of jungles entwined across the planet.

The mutated livestock had eaten themselves out of existence also. But the bugs were returning. The earth was going full cycle.

The only animal that seemed to survive were feline, ferocious, and running out of food.

5,000 Years On…

Nothing organic remains on the planet. Another ice-age had happened after a nuclear-powered submarine sunk deep below the north-pole. It initially imploded, but the force of air managed to reach the surface … and the cyclonic winds carried the dust down across many green lands, dropping onto unsuspecting whiskered creatures and vines traversing the hills and valleys.

20161112_115141The resulting mutant now survived on bug-lavae, ice-water and corralled bugs. The feline family were growing smarter, developing knees and thumbs out of necessity to find food … but that took a backward step for a while. Returned to a worm like back end, but still a teeth-filled mouth, it wailed louder than the winds as it sought new creatures with which to ‘connect’.

10,000 Years On…

The Moroff-starship dropped to the jungle unexpectedly. Their power-supply had depleted after attempting several times to enter the M-class Planet’s atmosphere. Cyclonic lightning storms filled the upper atmosphere. HoloComD calculations determined a way to use the lightning to keep their power-supply whilst they swung around the storm. The white streaks of electric light arced away from the storm, enabling their ship to direct-line to a specific spot on the planet’s surface successfully.

[…]

Backpack and rifle at hand, the Moroff stepped down into the bog.

“Farg. Still nothing here at all…” he muttered, stopping mid sentence as a tall beautiful feline stepped out from behind a tree and waggled one leg as she leaned hesitantly onto a tree. The Moroff stared transfixed … as another dozen felines stepped out from behind the trees, wielding primitive yet bloodied spears. White-eyed, they moved toward the Moroff, who was now petrified.

1 Parsec Later…

“So, you are the descendants of the infamous David Simmer II??”

“So it appears.”

“Farg. So Old Man Trump, that two-bit celebrity who couldn’t even use email, enabled this??”

“Who?”

“Good point. My great-great-grand… He has been dead for 16,003.26 years. Why the farg would we be still talking about that idiot?”

“Ok, why? …. Now, where is that spam you promised?”


Okay, okay, I took it a bit far. I actually let the story evolve out of nothing. This took me 90 minutes to ‘mutate’ from my fingers (read: to type) it. Hope it gives you a good laugh.

Leave Well Enough Alone

​This morning I posted a story on Facebook that I found buried on a friend’s timeline. I found it funny enough to republish on my timeline.

Cattle Guards

For those of you who have never traveled to the US South West, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado.

The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that “before any ‘cattle’ guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.”

“Times are hard,” said Joe Biden, “it’s only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining!”

Like most stories posted to the internet, someone checked on snopes.com to determine if it true or not. Turns out it is fake!

Actually, I have a word to say about snopes: They take their unofficial job way too seriously. 
Many stories were written, I presume, purely as humor, as anecdote to tell at a large gathering to break the ice or to amuse the dignatories. 

No doubt people retold them, each time changing details to suit their audience.
Not all stories are written based on truth.

I sometimes wish they could leave amusing anecdotes alone, as legends, and as humor worth repeating.

Some jokes should remain jokes, and not become a snopes investigation.

What are your thoughts?